So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
