apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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