can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
