I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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