When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
he thought i was a dude.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
