we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
