paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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