for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
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Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
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I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
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