Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
