i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
