I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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