Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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