words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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