I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
