i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I deserve this hangover.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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