i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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