I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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