Barsexuality is the new black.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
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My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
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Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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