I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
