So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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