Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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