Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
