I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
