she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
