you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
