what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
