You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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