There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
