Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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