this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
