FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
