I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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