Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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