shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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