I want to have your abortion
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
