i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
