I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
