I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
