Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
