I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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