my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
