I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
