he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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