i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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