its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
