What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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