I just threw up on my dentist
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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