hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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