i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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