If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
