If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
