just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
