why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
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Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
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We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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