My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
