come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
